It’s perhaps a little easy to fight against someone else. Instead of standing against yourself, your thoughts, and your negativity, try to fight against yourself. It seems like losing every inch of me every day, every hour, every minute, and every second. Can you imagine losing your every body part, one after another; each day? That’s what I feel like during this mental phase.
I’ve lost my focus almost over everything; either it is my studies, work-life, or social life. The therapist’s solution is tried and tested. Nothing seems like working. I feel like drowning into the water, with many recuses around, but no one can see me. They believe I am a strong person who doesn’t need any help. But, even the strongest need maintenance, then why not me?
Why every time I had to compromise? Should I always act as a responsible one, who has to let go toxicity of people? Why can’t be it just me over everything? Don’t I deserve to be prioritized?
Maybe that’s what happens when you grow up. You start losing bonds with your favorite people. But I’ve seen people making their bonds stronger by every passing day. Perhaps, I am not good enough. Maybe I am too honest about this fake world? But speaking the truth and being honest is a good policy. Bad things never happen to a good person if you Fight Against yourself. Should I wait for my good? Or should I accept this as my fate?
Along with losing focus, I am missing a peaceful sleep too. Every night, I lay down to sleep; my regrets, sadness, anxiety race against others. The regret of not trying again, the pain of not being good enough, the sadness of being replaced every time, the anxiety about my future, the constant thoughts of what’s next, and depression for my current situation. These racing thoughts never let me sleep. Even when I wake up, I have a headache and a feel of staying awake the whole night. The night phase is very different. I feel what is happening around me. I can feel activities around me, but my body state is asleep.
Even my birthday doesn’t seem like a birthday. It’s only me, alone in my apartment. Just another casual morning, with a severe headache, swelled eyes, messy hair, and messy life looking around for hope.
Whenever I walk out, it looks like people giggling and gossiping about me. They cover their face to hide their wide smiling faces. They communicate through eyes that make me even more uncomfortable. I just can’t go out. Maybe that’s my overthinking that there is a Fight Against Myself, but why is it every time?
Sleeping pills, injections, drugs all have failed over my situation. Nothing seems like working. Just a last note for people who left me during hard times; I don’t want them at my burial. It will be me and official departments at my place, to bury me.